For the first time in a year and a half of having this blog, I am struggling to Post.
It's not that I don't have ideas, or posts that are annoyingly cranking around in my head.... It just seems to be a feeling of disquiet, which I can't put my finger on. A sentence keeps rolling around in my head... "I have said too much" and now I can't go back. Only forward. To the revealing and emotional side, of life's shifting grounds. Damn it.
It's nothing major, just my thoughts and opinions on life. But a sabotaging voice in my head says.. "they think your strange Rebekah, your just weird, why don't you just shut up..."
It's something I have always felt. Something I was told by so called 'normal' people. There is NO normal. We are all weird little creatures.
Everyone is busy. Everyone is unhappy, and happy, at the same time. Swallowed by life and gulping for fresh air, to desperately cleanse their depleted bodies. Life is just cleaning, cooking, sweeping driving, refereeing, nurturing, organizing, washing, hanging, folding, putting, helping, walking, thinking......and a little dreaming. So tired. Feel like I need to catch up on 10 years of no sleep...There are other things too.
Things I want to ask. Like... "why is the world round?", "why does life work this way?" and... right now... Mana (4) just called me to wipe her butt, and says "look mum! a poo sculpture! like its the most fantastic thing she has created....".
'Why does my brain work the way it does, and why can't I change it?'
I know I can, but how and why would I want to?
"should I use double talking marks or single? does it matter? why is there both?" (American way versus the English way, same old tired story.)
Does any of IT matter in the scheme of life, I mean, it's weird. People are weird, language is weird, words are weird, life is weird.... and, I am weird.
I read the other day that the stars will disappear and the sun will go out and humans and the earth will be ripped apart.....
In a billion years, that is. Do I even think humans will still be on this earth in a billion years? I think not, so how will it end then? I wont ever know, unless it happens in the next 50 odd years, and even then it would need to be something we knew was going to happen. To see the end coming. Oh..the doom.
I think my own head will rip apart with its strange thinking. Does it even matter what I think, anyway?
Why do things have to matter?
They just do.
And while the earth still turns to the hum of the universe, everything will matter, and nothing will matter, at the same time. I know, I am confusing myself, but its true.
One last why...
"why do our chook eggs keep disappearing?"
Is it the black crow that in some weird deep connection was my friend when I was lonely and sick... Or is it the scruffy rat that shuffles in the walls and has a labyrinth of holes and makes me think of Mrs Frisby, that is stealing them... Is it both of them?
I mean, who sank the fucking boat.. anyway?? Maybe they all did, maybe we all just sink.
And then, once we sink.... We all just file back home. Just a few drips to show for our trauma. Then as we dry in the sun, or by the warmth of a fire. Only then do we realize, that is all that is needed?
The warmth of life, the warmth of people.
"To warm the cockles of our heart."
*there I go again...saying too much...or maybe, nothing at all.