Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Side street loitering.





God I still hate this town. 

How is it that I feel this way. I mean it's just a town, with a clock that chimes every hour. A town that's success, is all to do with the chipping away of rock for gold. I suppose it's not the place, it's the culture. It has elements of good streaks, I guess. But mentality, has large factors of it's well-being. I see faces and people, I know of them. Can't put names to them, but they are all bred from this town. I am not, I have never lived here but was schooled here. Noooooo I was from 25 clicks down the road and up the side of a mountain. I am not recognizable  to any one. I left a long time ago and never came back. Until recently.

I have stopped to get a soda water from a cafe today, to prevent myself from loitering at the second hand bookstore/op shop, come old persons hangout. I like to hang with the old people. They are easy and nice, and they know alot. Mana is at her kinder arvo and this is when I do the weekly shop, whilst in town.

I am sitting in the window seat looking out... My neck is so tight today, and my right eyes is swollen from dry eye. But, a more common occurrence is threatening me right now. I am taken by a feeling....... They sometimes come in the middle of the night. In the dark, sometimes while I am asleep, how the fuck does that happen. I mean, I am ASLEEP!..... Very occasionally they come to me in the stark light of day. Like today. I am not even worried about anything. But it's like, the world is going to swallow me up and I won't be able to breathe, ever again. 

They are the scariest things I have ever faced. I keep telling Wayne I have control of them, that I don't let them get away on me. Truth is, I don't know what the hell I am doing, only that if I go and see someone about it, i feel it will make it bigger and stronger somehow. And right now, I can manage them. I have always erred on the side of very mild claustrophobic tendencies, but thats not it.

Here's something I wrote a while ago. Last year I believe.

My first was 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was fast asleep and woke up with a start, I felt I could not breath and had to run down to the living area and turn on all the lights. It felt like the dark was going to suffocate me. Even then, I almost felt the light was not enough. 2 years later another one just the same. Then a few months ago another one. Then a few more. It's so scary. A month ago I walked into the cinema a bit late with my family, it was dark already and the screen went black for a moment, I literally flew out of there, clambering over people to get out. 5 mins later I went back in and relaxed and kept my eye on the lights on the step and was ok. I felt sick for days though. It was such an unconscious thing. I never saw it coming. I have not had one since, although some times in the day I feel like I am going to get swallowed up by darkness. But then it's gone. I have never been afraid of the dark. Maybe a little claustrophobic, but nothing serious, I am not sure what this is. But I don't like it, it feels like it could control my life in those minutes. It floors me every time cause I just don't see it coming.

I have had the feeling a few times since. Only slight ones. Honest.

It's time to go and do the grocery shopping now. Thank Christ.

                                                      Heres my little hang out.

Down a tiny side street, I do love it. I mean who would not want to go in that door.


Looking up to that broad open sky down the side street.

SHHHHHH......don't say the word out loud I know they are AAs. I just don't know why.

I should be posting about all the glorious produce we have, and Wayne's wonderful recent metal works...... But the mind works in mysterious ways. I will get to those too. when my head is cleared of some of this.


I should change the heading to " a scattered life". ha!

P.S. I don't really hate the town, cause you know....Hates a very strong word...... (Hey Cassie and Luca..). It's growing on me a tad...like that side street. Thats pretty cool. A little oasis, amongst the crap.



13 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about the town - you hate it but you don't. I was driving home from work in that town the other day and thought to myself: "What the FUCK am I doing here again??" Then I saw the mountains in the distance and I remembered. It's all about the mountains. I can see them from my house too, thank god! Hate IS a very strong word indeed. xxxx

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    1. Yes, thank god for the mountains. x

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  2. hate is a very strong word but i have no idea the feeling you have to that town.... so maybe hate is the right word for you

    x

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    1. I am just be dramatic probably, but I couldn't wait to leave here at the time.

      xx

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  3. I felt like a bit of a freak writing this. And now everyones on to me, as it should be. But I mean, who spills their guts on the internet. How weird is that?

    I just cant verbalize a lot of what I write here, so its all creative expression for me, of the reality of ME.

    I really don't want to freak people out. But it is such a relief to get this stuff out. That, maybe just the point of a blog, such as this one.

    I am the most least likely person to do such a thing, but here I am.

    x

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  4. Oh Rex, I feel terrible. I just sent you an email. I am so sorry. :-(

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    1. Leah......... No man. This is all messed up. Your post was brilliant. I will call you later.

      x

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  5. There are a couple of nice clothing shops there now. But I hate it too. It's the narrow minded jock idiots we grew up with that have made it awful for me. . Frigging closed minded idiots who make you feel weird. Well lucky we rebelled in our weird! Onwards and upwards.

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  6. Rex, Its good to get your feelings out. Good or bad. They both exist. It's called truth and beauty.

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  7. Hi Rexy,

    I so love reading your posts. You have an amazing ability to zoom in on aspects of everyday life that can go unnoticed - or we simply avoid looking at. Shared commonalities that are nevertheless imprinted with your own personal experiences that make them yours. I really appreciate being able to visit your blog and read about life from your perspective, a perspective I really value - and your sharing is so generous.(Even though I often don't leave a comment!)

    Something I've learned about myself and 'A' over the past couple of years is that eating the right foods at the right times makes all the difference. For me I can almost set the clock by it. I find myself going off on some morbid mental tangent and, if I catch myself, I can say, oh it must be 3pm and I need to eat some protein! But I'm sure the triggers and prevention/remedies, and the experience, will be different for everyone. I don't mean to suggest it's so simple but I know that sometimes we can feed, water and nurture the kids and forget about ourselves, and it catches up with us unexpectedly in unpleasant ways.

    Synthetic perfumes also make me freak out and become a blathering mess. I know it sounds weird and it took me quite a while to figure out what was going on with me. You'd have to see it to believe it - it's not pretty.

    See why I don't leave comments? : )

    I hope you'll keep sharing anyway! xx JL

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  8. Oh .... Please leave comments. Espeacially long ones like this. I love to hear others thoughts out there. I got your lovely e-mail too and was getting around to replying. I think you are definately right about taking care of our selves as mothers too. I can't Even stand the smell of petrol. So any synthetics such as hairsprays and strong spray deodorants send me into a tis. They make me feel sick. Sometimes I forget who's reading this blog, if I did I prob would not write all the stuff I do. My sorry post was a big thing, and I thought of all of you deeply though and hoped It came across as a healing Story for our past. I have spoken to the ones I referred too, and it seems it was a good thing. Sometimes I think of what we went through and wonder how we came out. I guess at some points some of us didn't. I would never want
    any of our children to experience that. Thankyou soooooo much for your beautiful thoughts. Xxx

    P.S pretty sure I overdosed on chocy yesterday and am paying for it today. Will I learn!

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  9. I keep debating whether to go down the road of becoming the crazy food lady or not, but just for you, Rex, since I think so highly of you. Unexplained feelings like those you describe? Look to your diet. Start with gluten and casein (in dairy). Just a suggestion, I won't think less of you if you ignore me, but I say eliminate them completely for two or three weeks. Don't cheat! Then see what happens when you eat them.

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    1. Never going to ignore your words, I value them greatly. I think your right, I have a few friends that are telling me the same thing. I am going to cut coffee back, dairy and try to avoid gluten. I am going to try this for 3 weeks and see, but I reckon it will be a new healthy leaf to explore. Thankyou kindly tinsenpup. x

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