Being here.

It is always a point of discussion in my head to decide on what the first word of a blog entry should be. Like it is the most important and enticing part of the post itself. When its not important at all really. In fact it's been a very long time since I have had that discussion as my time using this medium to write shit has been few and far between. Over a year actually.

So I maybe a little ordinary in my delivery. But somehow I feel superior and mature since my last writings, as if I have grown and become more wiser and intelligent. Not true of course, I have likely become more bitter and cynical, somehow mistaking that for insightful integrity and wisdom. Although in my defence some really strange shit has happened globally in the past year that has made me contemplate the sanity of all people. You just could not for see the things that have occurred, except if you were the writer for the Simpsons. Because man that show was spot on in it's portrayal of the worlds crazy demise.

I'm wondering though if blogging had a hand in killing humanity. Just too many opinions and thoughts piling up in the world, confusing the fuck out of the simple things. Ahhhh simplicity, the long lost lover for us all.

The Twittering, Face-booking and Instagramming, the status updates and the what's on your mind Rebekah... All prompting us to join in with fleeting contributions of sharing our everyday moments. Which really, mostly, should be left in the dark spaces of our thoughts to flitter away and disintegrate with the unknown exploding stars in the universe.

Oh and the comments. The fucking comments, they are the most trivial pointless time wasting despicable aspects of social conversations on-line. Each person believing their comment can change the masses opinions and really get their message across. All of us trying to be heard in a mass of squirming outrage on that particular issue .. where it will be a distant memory by the next day. A shameless fantasy world of our egotistical self that we sprout all over the net without accountability, respect and authenticity. And then the Trolls. Actual people, not trolls at all. Real life people that are amongst us everyday that spend their time invested in this damaging, transparent display of baiting, whilst they believe it is their right to terrorise others. All behind the mask of an elusion of what they think their life is, when whats left is a very sick human.

So maybe blogging was the beginning of the end. As the mutations grew and took hold of the quick click social media that stole the charm of blogging and turned it into the frenzy of look here, see me... inviting the shiny sparkly in with the dark seedy instant scrolling and sharing of information that has swallowed our intimacy and sensibility.

When I used to blog regularly I would take up to two days to think out a blog post and then draft it, re-write it, re-read it and then add thoughtful story photos to enhance the words and the feelings I was trying to convey. To be fucking mindful about what I put into this world.

But at the same time there was this very small part of me that tugged at the base of my top, like... are you sure this is good, are you sure writing some of your most in depth personal thoughts is ok to do on the net... where will it end. The question was also the dilemma to make it a business or do it for yourself. The struggle between taking it to which point and what purpose. I don't read blogs anymore, apart from one. I'll never stop reading hers, but she too struggles with life, trauma and where that fits into the world. So her wonderful words are rare now too.

Sometimes I just wonder at who's mowing the old peoples lawns, whose chopping wood for their little fires and cleaning their gutters. If all of our time is spent checking Instagram and Facebook and scrolling and searching for things on the Internet. Who's visiting the elders that probably sit at their own computers not really understanding most of this cyberspace with aloneness in their hearts and waiting for humans to visit and just drink tea.

Not knowing what the future will be is ok, feeling as though the future is doomed is not ok. Most of the time I believe in the good, but then there are other days...