Linking with Eden here today. Did have another post planned with photos of where our new house is to be built and created. But EDEN, does this thing where you can't ignore the need to spill your inner-self. Best therapist I know.
|Sorry that it looks lovely. But it wasn't.|
Have a friend that used to say sorry for everything.
But it was more like she felt, she had to be sorry she was ever born. Her childhood was brutal, not her home life. The other one. Where they send you for 6 hours a day. And I am not talking bullying here. I'm talking horrific abuse here.
She has worked through it, and is a walking beauty of amazement.
Me though, who didn't have to endure the abuse, but was mixed in the swirl of fear and undercurrent of danger, has not quite worked through it. Older and more alertness is what saved me. Or did it? I mean my views are skewed, my psyche damaged, my child hood was not what it was supposed to be. Some may say it's your perspective. SORRY, but that is bullshit. There is too many of us affected to ignore it. It's so uncomfortable when people say 'oh wow you got to grow up and go to that picturesque school'. And I know every single child that grew up with me, at that time, will be thinking the same as me. NO.... SORRY, it was hell. But you just smile and say 'yeah, it's lovely' when inside you want to vomit all the putrid dirty memories of it!
Sorry, but every single one of us will be thinking the same, and I have not seen half the kids in 30 years. But I know.
There is a large part of primary school that I loved. The making the playing and the imaginary world, of play. But SORRY, the rest, can go to hell. It had no place in our childhood.
Sorry I had no voice. Sorry I did not save you. Sorry that adults failed us. Sorry that I had to write this. Sorry that I like the truth, rather than not. Sorry we lost our childhood innocence. Sorry they took you over and over. Sorry I still cry over this. Sorry that those boys were ever born.
Sorry I have to watch my kids so protectively now. Sorry that I don't really trust other kids. Sorry that I always see the troubled kids. Sorry I can't save all the troubled kids.
Sorry that I had to write this blog post. Sorry that I have offended. Sorry this blog is not what it used to be.
I am sorry I could not protect you. Sorry I did not understand. Sorry for not fighting for you. Sorry for my other friend who was nearly beaten to death with Nasty words and threats. Sorry I did not stand up for her more. Sorry that they took part of our life and made it shit. Sorry for all my friends, we were just kids.
Sometimes my sorries are like sores over my body. Exposed then healed. Sorry, but my children will never feel that fear. I won't let them.
Sorry that there were so many close situations where it could of been me. Sorry I ran and escaped, to save myself.
Sorry that Eden scares me, just a little. Cause this is what she fights for people to reveal.
Sorry to my friends that read this and think, 'why does Rex, not shut the Hell up'.
Sorry...I just can't.