Somedays my heart aches for things that I don't even comprehend. There is no words to define the ache. No clear thought of what it is. No tangible thing, really.
At times I read a lot. Sometimes the reading is too much. It takes you away from your own reality. Living your life through other peoples stories instead of your own. Not making your own story, or writing your own story, for that matter. It's like how people do that movie marathon thing, never could do it. I want it to be real for me. (Except when you are stuck in leigh creek and bored and 13).
I will read my heart out for six months, then stop for six months. I want to develop my own style of writing and step into it. To walk it and breathe it. I want to be free of the overwhelming inspiration of others. I want to find my own inspiration, from with in me. Its beautiful to be inspired. But, to be inspired to be your own inspiration, is even better.
People used to say I was off with the fairies..(dad). But I never have been. I am just thinking and processing all of what's around me. Some people find it hard to just sit and see and feel. They seem to always want to be doing. A time spent sitting and talking and thinking is just as useful and meaningful as anything else in your life. Truly is.
Thats the beautiful thing about Africa. The seamless time of life. The African people see this, they know it. The way time is used to stop and talk and sit. The way nothing is ever a rush. To stand or sit at the end of streets and talk and watch. And guess what, things get done too.
I know how to rush of course.. I rush everyday. I rush to clean. I rush to cook. I rush the kids in the door. I rush the kids out the door. Sometimes rushing to eat and sometimes rushing to sleep.
My husband rushes all day long at work. Management, mining, 24 hour work, money lost in losing time, you know. Rush. We westerners are rushers. We think we making the most out of every moment.. But mostly just rushing through life, to get to the end that no one really wants to get to, anyway.
Sometimes answers do not come easy to me. There are things I want to fix or change. But I am easily sated. Usually. I want a burning passion, but I think its more like a slow burn. It will take time.
I have jobs to do today. I will do those jobs. I will get them done. But I am tired of rushing my children.
I have never written for anyone or for anything. I have never had the expectation of getting a written piece done for deadlines or to write a story in a certain amount of words. I kinda meander and think and write and finish when it feels right, in my gut. ( Or when some other little human's are demanding my attention..)
I think there are things I could learn about writing and grammar, for sure. Hell, there is so many things to learn about myself. Fear. Anger. Love. Parenting. Especially anger. Yes. Anger I have. Just ask my husband and children.
But I am trying to keep it 'me' still. So it feels like me, so it fits the souls of my feet when I walk a story out....... In the paddock or in the bush. Inspiring myself, and to trust in me. To get there, in my own words.
To let the words walk out of me, and into life.
Oh and there is always Instagram, where images help tell a story, kinda of.... My attraction with images is one I am trying to work out. Wishing it would sort of pass soon.
(Did any of that make any sense anyway?)
Did any of this make sense to me - where do I begin. I feel what you are saying, was lost in your words, lifted from the mundane tasks of office work and transported into a dreamy swirl of connection. Synchronicity - this morning I was contemplating my Africa - thinking about time - the slowness of it, the beauty of it - the joy of simple people, laughing and caring. Knowing that I must take this way - use it to slow down, to disengage from too much knowing and seeking outside myself - to sit still and see what arises. Ah yes, I get it.
ReplyDeleteOh Clare... Life does become too busy when we let it. I am so pleased you connected with this. Knowing you understand, as you are living and breathing Africa.
DeleteWe watched a little of "Out of Africa" movie last night, I could see Wayne hankering for Africa as his eyes welled up.
To let the words walk out of you and into life. That's beautiful Rex. I love how true you are to yourself and it's just solid tried and true. Images are stories. They can be words really. But they tell stories all the time. Maybe that's the attraction.
ReplyDeleteIt's sometimes difficult to convey the feelings inside of us. Mine always come when I start the story, never knowing where its going until i am halfway through it....
DeleteI know I have always loved photography. But insatgram is such a quick gratification thing. I have taken thousands of pics, with probaly 10 that are really good.
Thanks Tania, I try to be solid, like a tree stump.
Rex, I find myself rushing all too often. It drives my family crazy. They are boys...they relax into most things and then I come along. I am on a long break from classes this summer and I am mostly NOT RUSHING. It feels so good, so right. I sat and read your entire post while having coffee. We are leaving for a long weekend trip with friends this morning. Bags, gear and foods are packed. And I did very little rushing during the preparations. My goal is to rush as little as possible this summer. I love my research where I am out in the field observing, annotating, the animals typically do not rush, unless there is danger. Then I can see, hear fear. Very little rushing however. I'd be terrible in a corporate world these days! I hope the weekend finds you enjoying a slower pace and the people surrounding you. Nell
ReplyDeleteThats lovely Nell, Some time to slow down. It's always hard to fit EVERYTHING in that you want to do in life. I am glad you are not in a corporate world these days, because you probably have no time for your beautiful blog.
DeleteIt must be awesome to be out observing animals in the environment, I can just imagine it.
Oh, I love that image. I would love it on my wall to look at often. So beautiful and says so much without giving too much away.
ReplyDeleteSo too your blog post. Bam! You express these feelings so eloquently and peacefully but powerfully too. No words wasted.
xJL
(actually JK now, but that spot's already taken!)
Of course JK.... Well that would of been confusing back in the day!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words. I have no idea where it comes from sometimes.
Hope you are back with Art and Finn by now. x and that it is the last time you have to do that.