Monday, December 5, 2011

another night...

Woken by the suffocating sweat again. It's dripping off my head, and welling up from my chest. Everything, soaked through. Right to my tired heart.

Baby stirs besisde me, it has been every hour, this night of feeds. He is restless again, insatable. I swing my hand back behind me and it feels only emptiness. Wayne has gone again, girls bedroom. I am sure. But .... maybe this time he Just kept going, to beyond this time, to escape this anguish. I would. If I could escape myself.

An hour later I wake again. Wayne is making coffee, it is 5.30. To work, to work. I feel his soft kiss before I here the car leave. Baby wakes, its time. I reach for a cloth nappy on the change table beside me to mop the sweat from me. The cloth nappies I use as hankies, to expel the never ending mucus. I don't have the energy to use them as they were intended. Not any more. It's all gone to shit.

I rise from bed. He wakes happy. He always wakes happy. Not a grump, not one little bit. Has to get up and go and see and do. Not a snuggler in bed. I lift him up and the ache in my ribs is stabbing at my chest.  Its so hard to hold him. But I do. He's beautiful. Our son. So beautiful.

Another Night, of endless coughing, to face a another day of endless coughing. I am caught. I can't seem to wave my arms, and say, I am suffocating here, I cant breathe. I am drowning.

Here is more info on the TB story.
Every now and then I will share these moments in time, of our story.
( In between I  will still be posting photos, and hopefully drawings and other less intense things.) Sorry.

To all around me at this time, these were very internal thoughts, and I know everyone of you think you could of done something more. But No, we tried, and hindsight is dangerous. You did, all you could. I am thankful and grateful for all that everyone did for my recovery. Especially Wayne. Who returned home everyday. To endure my coughing again and again. 


  1. Hindsight is, indeed, a dangerous road. Bless you and your beautiful family.

  2. Tomorrow, fourteen beautiful years every day a bonus. Just dreaming my dreams with you.

    Love Wayne

  3. I'm so sad and angry to think of you left like this, because of the arrogance of doctors. Don't be sorry for writing it.

  4. oh dear, i just read your post, this one and the one about TB, it’s not a nice place to be. How did this happen? i am so sorry you are unwell and there is not much we camn do. Still, i want to send much love and light your way,
    xo sandra

  5. I am in awe after reading your story? How can something like this happen nowadays? Yes, I know, it can! I am so sorry that you had do suffer all this pain and all this uncertainty about what is going on with you! And I am so glad you are better! I wish you all the best from my heart, only good things for you and your family! And I will learn - again - from your experience. We never should take a physicians opinion for granted, we should always search for the exact diagnosis and not give up till it is found. I had column cancer many years ago - my family doctor did not recognize it for more than half a year - she treated me for constipation... I was pregnant and lost the baby... In the end it was discovered, I had an operation and after that many months of radiation - I live, but the price I had to pay and still pay is high, radiation does not only kill the bad cells. If I had insisted more, if I had gone to another doctor... six months is a lot when you have cancer, it could have been detected six months earlier...
    I am thankful for my recovery - and for yours! Many dear regards! :-)

  6. Rex, I still cannot believe you endured this. I believe you are strong enough to kick TB in the ass, but I cannot believe you went through this!